Free Time Activity Essay

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Topic: There is nothing the young can teach older people. Please rate. | IELTS task 1 - Please rate my essay

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#1 (permalink) Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:34 am   Spending our free time - Please rate my essay 

Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that develop the mind, such as reading and doing crossword puzzles. Others feel that it is important to give one's mind a rest in leisure time. Discuss.

Relaxing our mind has been a vital part of spending our free time for thousands of years. Most of the people find relaxing activities like reading a book while others love to stay in the park, just see a boring TV channel or discuss with friends in front of a cup of tea or coffee. Even if maybe some persons will not totally agree with me, I consider that two of the most important activities that should eat our free time are the reading of a book and outdoor activities with family or friends.

Reading has always been one of the activities that fascinated the human mind and as long as we read books written in a language that we do not find difficult to understand, we should find reading a relaxing activity. Of course, as long as the books we are reading are not too technical to make us realize that we are not reading for fun but for study. For example I remember when my sister told me that by reading for relaxation she found God and that changed her life. She was reading mostly religious books.

Another activity which I personally consider that can have an important effect in our life are outdoor activities with family members or friends. This activities will help us be in a good shape for a long period of time and in the same time will help us develop strong close relationships with the persons we are spending our time with. And strong and close relationships are vital to have with people we would like to have around us for longer periods of time. For example I remember that we when I was younger I was going a lot for fishing with my father and over the years this activity become very important for us and made us to have have a very special relation.

In conclusion spending our time is very important and we should have a really clear idea between spending some time and loosing some time. I strongly believe that reading a book will help our mind and develop our vocabulary and when we have more time and weather is with us, spending some time outside with family or friends will help our relations. I just hope that less and less people will find important activities like playing computer games and watch television series.

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the design of the sweatshirt?
Xsimio
I'm new here and I like it ;-)


Joined: 28 Oct 2013
Posts: 16
Location: Amsterdam
#2 (permalink) Tue Dec 03, 2013 16:10 pm   Re: Spending our free time - Please rate my essay 

Hi Xsimio, I thought your essay was very good. I especially liked your introduction and conclusion. You had some good personal and detailed examples, but I don't know if your first one was that convincing. Maybe you need to say more explicitly that even when we appear to be wasting time, those activities can have valuable results. Your writing was generally very clear, but you did have a lot of small errors in grammar and usage. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Xsimio wrote:
Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that develop the mind, such as reading and doing crossword puzzles. Others feel that it is important to give one's mind a rest in leisure time. Discuss.

Relaxing our mind has been a vital part of spending our free time for thousands of years. Most people find relaxing activities like reading a book while others love to stay in the park, just [watch] a boring TV channel or discuss {"discuss" needs an object - maybe "discuss the news of the day"} with friends in front of a cup of tea or coffee. Even if maybe some {"Although perhaps some people" sounds better} persons will not totally agree with me, I consider that two of the most important activities that should eat {"eat" has a negative connotation, so does not really work here} our free time are the reading of a book and outdoor activities with family or friends. {ok, but "are reading books and enjoying outdoor …" sounds better}

Reading has always been one of the activities that fascinated the human mind and as long as we read books written in a language that we do not find difficult to understand, we should find {these "finds" here sound repetitive} reading a relaxing activity. Of course, as long as the books we are reading are not too technical to make us realize that we are not reading for fun but for study.{this is not a complete sentence - add "this is true" before "as long"} {also, the last phrase is a little confusing} For example I remember when my sister told me that by reading for relaxation she found God and that changed her life. She was reading mostly religious books. {this example is a little confusing - finding God seems to be akin to developing your mind, or at least your spirit, so it seems a little opposite of just "vegging out"}

Another activity [that] I personally consider can have an important effect in our li[ves is] outdoor activities {a singular subject with a plural object sounds a little odd - maybe "is participating in outdoor activities …"} with family members or friends. Th[ese] activities {this is repetitive} will help us [stay] ingood shape for a long period of time and [at] the same time will help us develop strong close relationships with the persons{"people" is better here} we are spending our time with. And {avoid beginning sentences with "and" or "but" - here you could say "furthermore"} strong and close relationships are vital to have with people we would like to have around us for longer periods of time. For example I remember that when I was younger I [went] fishing [a lot] with my father and over the years this activity become very important for us and made ushave {"helped us have" is better} have a very special relation[ship].

In conclusion[,] spending our time [wisely] {everyone spends their time, there is no way not to!} is very important and we should have a really clear [balance] between spending some time and [just wasting] {wasting probably has too negative a connotation here, but "losing time" is incorrect} some time. I strongly believe that reading a book will help our mind and develop our vocabulary and when we have more time and [the] weather is [nice], spending some time outside with family or friends will help our relations[hips]. I just hope that [fewer and fewer] people will [place importance on] {is this what you meant?} activities like playing computer games and watch television series.

TOEFL listening discussions: What is the design of the sweatshirt?
Luschen
I'm a Communicator ;-)


Joined: 08 Apr 2011
Posts: 8638
Location: Nashville TN, USA
Topic: There is nothing the young can teach older people. Please rate. | IELTS task 1 - Please rate my essay

 
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Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that develop the mind, such as reading and doing crossword puzzles. Others feel that it is important to give one’s mind a rest in leisure time. Discuss.

As we are human we naturally need to rest leisure time to stress of work and everyday life. In fact, every individual need to do what they want and . Personally, I prefer to be active during this time because . Moreover, people are free what they do their leisure time, and nobody can say what is the best.

Some people want to relax after their day of work. These people may prefer to relax by watching movies, reading or getting a massage. People who have a such as doctors, teachers and builders may choose these types of activities. If you are a doctor, you may feel that you want to let your body rest after work and you don’t want to do a five kilometer run after work, because you are already physically tired.

On the other hand, some people choose to be active in their leisure time because they do . For example, these people many spend all day sitting on a chair and their work. At the end of a working day, they a backache, and all of their body tired so they need to stretch their arms and improve their health by doing some activity such as going to the gym or swimming.

To sum up, the important thing is that people want to stay healthy by choosing what is best for them. In my view, the wrong way is to stay at home in your leisure time if you have a job.

This essay needs work. It has the right structure and covers the task. However there are many poorly structured sentences, many of the sentences are too simple and don’t have enough complexity, there are grammatical errors and some prepositions are use incorrectly (see comments underlined in blue). Overall, this looks like a Band 6 – 6.5 essay.

Click here to see more IELTS essays of band 6

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in our

recover from the

this expression is confusing

confusing expression, may be you mean “because it feels better”?

to choose

in

activity

physically active jobs

not move much on their jobs

doing

might have

might become

sitting

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